Father of Mine........

I've always been a Daddy's girl...but I guess that has changed.

A little background on the situation:

I was given a packet with SSN, passwords & asked to be the executor of his multi-million dollar estate about a year or so ago.

Also, my father & Andy are best friends. The go on trips together, talk on the phone, email, you name it. When I announced I would be the one filing divorce, my Dad immediately got upset and said I was making the worst mistake in my life. Since the decision has been made, my father has been talking to Andy & giving Andy advice.

He has not been speaking to me. Not an email or phone call. I'm divorcing my husband and becoming a single mother of two. I just had a car accident that really messed me up. It's really been hurting my feelings, but I thought he just needed some time to get used to the idea. But now I really wonder if he knows what he is doing... maybe he is fully aware that when he speaks with Andy and gives him advice, he is actually hurting me.

This is the email he sent me:

From: Mike Sullivan
Sent: Mon 6/21/2010 4:10 PM
To: Michelle Stephens
Subject: Personal information

Michelle

Based upon your upcoming changes, I would like for you to please return the packet of your Mother’s and my personal information. I would certainly not have been concerned with you sharing that information with your spouse, and I believe that I encouraged you to do that, but since you have chosen to dissolve that relationship, I would like that packet returned. No need to make a special trip, but please return to your Mother by this weekend. I do not assume that I would need to ask, but please do not make a copy of this sensitive information.

We had also ask that you be executor of our will, and after further review, we believe that both you and the estate would be better served by hiring an attorney to handle the estate, and that is what we plan to do. Just wanted you to know this so as not to be surprised later. This is not being done as any kind of vindictive act towards you, but as a more efficient way of resolving our estate with the least amount of work for you or Lindsey

  

Thank you
Daddy

  *I had a car accident last Wednesday night. I have not been to work since because I was hurt so bad. He sent this to my WORK address because he hasn't spoke to me to know that I am out of work. So now multiple people at work have been able to read this message  

*He obviously doesn't trust me...not sure if it is because he thinks I am crazy to

leave Andy or he thinks I am unstable....not sure of which 

*Lindsey (my sister) and I are co-executors, but one of us had to have the FINAL SAY if disagreements had come up. That was me. He also didn't ask Lindsey for her copy of the paperwork back.

I'll admit...this one knocked the wind out of me. Who chooses a son-in-law over
their own daughter?!

Such a slap in the face.

How do you say goodbye?

How do you say goodbye to the person who fathered your children? To the man that held them close when they cried, changed their tiny diapers & rocked them to sleep at night. To the man that was with you to enjoy so many of their little 'firsts' from first smiles, to first steps, to first days at school. The man that has been by your side through ups and downs for close to a decade. The man that has always loved you unconditionally & with all of his heart….and maybe you never, ever reciprocated the feelings. I thought I did, but I was very young. I was young with a baby & hardly any family support. He was the person who took care of me and Lacey during that time.
I'm not in love. I haven't been for some time. Actually, I'm not sure I ever really was. I love him; he is such a good person & a wonderful father. But he and I – we just aren't a good match. We never have been. We are a decade apart in age; he grew up in a broken home with no rules or boundaries & no father. Making it to 12^th grade was a great accomplishment where he comes from. He was never taught to push, to always strive to do better. He was never taught how to love someone, how to have a partner. His love for the children comes so naturally, but to love me the way I should be? He either can't do it or he doesn't want to. And I am out of ways to ask. For a while I was angry with myself….hes a great guy, one of those guys that everyone loves. I've never met a person who didn't like him. It was part of his charm when we first met.
After spending years on hoping he would change and believing his promises, I'm just done. I've been done…I'd say for at least 6 months – maybe more. I've just kept holding on, hoping I could find a way to love him back…..hoping he could find a way to give me what I need & that would make me love him. Even though it seems like he is trying to do some of the things I have asked of him recently….its just no there for me anymore.
Maybe its because I resent him. Maybe it's because I never loved him that way & never will. Maybe it's just because we are so different. I really don't know. The only thing I know for sure is that something needs to be done. We are both unhappy. It is not fair to either of us.
Change is just so scary. Change is an upheaval of my children's lives. Moving, money issues, lawyers, parental rights, child support, visitation weekends…..I just don't want to deal with it.
But I know it's the right thing for both of us. And I know if it were up to him he would just allow this to continue forever.
I know when I tell him that this 'separation' is permanent, which I know he knows deep down that its coming, he is going to be devastated. I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to hurt my children.
So that is the bottom line. Hurt him & the kids for my happiness or continue unhappy in order to keep my family together?
It sucks.   


Then I have these awful, selfish feelings. I can't help but remember who I used to be. A young, vibrant, beautiful girl. Now I'm a mother of not one, but two small children. Parts that used to sit up high don't anymore without help. I have stretch marks and c-section scars. Maybe I can still turn a head or two, but who is going to want me with all of this baggage and these imperfections?! Who could possibly want me & know that these 2 beautiful children will always come first….and they won't even belong to him. Do I want to die alone? Sure I don't mind being alone…I actually thrive on it most of the time. But I am sure a day is going to come that I want to retire and spend time with someone I have shared a life with. Someone who will sit with me and laugh over the memories, good times & bad times we've shared over the years.

So where do we go from here?

Happy New Year!

Good Gracious it's been a while since I updated.  The really sad thing about it is that I have so many things I want to share that I just get overwhelmed with it all and end up not updating anything at all. 

Blah.

Recent news?  Not too much that would really be that intresting.  Lacey got strep throat on New Years Eve, Zach brought one of the nastiest stomach viruses I have ever seen home and it went from him, to Lacey, and I just had my time with it yesterday and today.  We are all just waiting on Andy to get it. 

The kids amaze me.  When they had the virus I knew that they didn't feel well, but they just bounced back so quickly.  Me?  Last night I thought I was going to die....then I was afraid I wouldn't.  The kids?  In between the throwing up they would ask for food, and then after it was over instead of lying around like a slug (like I did today) trying to recover, they were UP and RUNNING like nothing ever happened.  Really I am thrilled they bounced back so quick...I would have hated for them to feel as bad as their old mama did today.  ;o)

Its feast or famine with Andy.  Last week he worked 81 hours....next week?  Who the hell knows.  So while I'm annoyed that he is never home, I'm happy he is getting hours right now.  Who knows when the work will slow down. 

Lacey is doing really well in school.  I did get a call from the VP of her school saying that Lacey was disruptive after school while waiting to get on the buses.  That blew me away...I even double checked that she had the right child.   She wrote an apology note to her teacher and gave it to her.  It was so stinking cute.  I hope the teacher thought so too.

Funny Lacey quote of the day:

She came bouncing downstairs this morning and I told her to stay out of my room b/c I was sick.  She goes 'Oh, well I have to check to see if your eyeballs are still there....when I was sick, mine felt like they were going to pop out....are yours still there?'

I just love that girl. 

Zach is Zach.  Never easy, but such a lovie.  Hopefully soon we will get him where he needs to be.  We've been having some major (angry) tantrums. 

I'll do a picture post soon!  I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and a great New Year!!