Everything about it was and is still so very sad.
Zach was born on Sept. 18, 2006. He was the boy I had always wanted. Big, fat and healthy as can be. A quiet little guy who loved to snuggle with me and sleep. The bond I had with him was instant. While I love Lacey dearly, there was an immediate special bond different from the one I had with Lacey.
Zachary and I left the hospital on Sept. 21, both very happy (heavy!) and healthy. In less than a week we both had contracted viral meningitis & a very common cold virus.
Of course we didn’t know that was what we had. I just felt a little crappy, like I was catching a little cold, I had mastitis and was less than two weeks out of a c-section that had a few complications. I was also adjusting to having TWO kids and Andy had just gone back to work. I was still nursing despite the mastitis and like any other newborn & new mom; we were still trying to work out the kinks.
I remember the morning very clearly. I actually still beat myself up about how I handled it. I was exhausted. It was 2 am and Zach was crying and wouldn’t stop. Andy couldn’t help because…. well I had the goods. Zach acted like he was hungry and I knew he should be, but for some reason he would not eat. He would try, but give up so quickly which was unlike him. His crying wasn’t a LOUD, MAD cry; it was almost between a constant whimper and a whine. I should have known then. Finally, after hours of doing everything I knew to do I just laid him down in his bassinet and gave up. I dozed on and off between his cries and would pat his little bottom almost constantly trying to soothe him. I should have held him close and kept trying....
The rest of the day becomes a blur. I remember waking up around 8 with Lacey and he was sound asleep. I tried to wake him up for another attempt at nursing since it had been a very long time for him to have gone without eating, but I couldn’t get him to wake up and stay awake long enough. I called our pediatrician and they confirmed my thoughts – he’s just as tired as me, plus he is a sleeper anyways. They told me he would be fine but to call them if he didn’t get better by early afternoon. I should have known.
Fast forward to noon and he still was sleeping and not waking up for more than just a minute or so and now he has a low grade fever. I called the pediatrician back and was on my way to their office in minutes.
By the time I made it into the office (maybe 40 minutes) we couldn’t wake him up and his fever had shot up to 102 – which is bad news for a newborn. We were offered an ambulance ride to CHOA, but I would have to leave Lacey with someone as she would not be allowed in the ambulance. EVERYONE I knew was either busy or out of town. My parents were in Mexico of all places. My sister getting ready for her best friend’s wedding, grandparents were out of town…it was a mess. I opted (with the permission of our Dr.) to go directly to the hospital in my car. He was very clear that I was not to go home, get gas, stop for food, nothing. That is when I thought I knew how serious this was.
Andy met me at the hospital and his mom wasn’t far behind him. I was told Zach’s condition was life-threatening and he would be admitted for a minimum of 3 days. We had X-rays, spinal taps, urine culture, blood cultures, blood work and an IV within 45 minutes of our arrival.
I was beginning to feel really bad and run a fever. When we finally got settled in a room it was past 11:00 pm and I told Andy he could just go home with Lacey and I would be okay. Reluctantly he and his mom left.
I stood by his hospital crib for hours. He was still un-responsive and other than the IV had received no nourishment for 24 hours. I distinctly remembered asking one of his nurses if it would be alright if I lay down in the chair next to his crib. My fever was hitting 102 and I was having a hard time standing next to him. (I still had the staples in my stomach from the C-section) Zach obviously wasn’t going to wake up right now and he seemed, to me, to be stable and I wasn’t expecting a change, good or bad, anytime soon. What she told me still haunts me today.
“Honey, if I were you I would stand right there. You stay by your boy’s side and you tell him how much you love him. You tell him to fight. You tell him how much you need him. You tell him not to leave you yet. He needs to know you are beside him because he is going to have to fight hard.”
No one had made it sound that serious. What had I missed? So I asked her if he would make it through the night. Apparently the attending Dr. in the ER didn’t tell us everything. They weren’t sure if he would make it another 24 hours. They still had no idea what was making him so sick and even with his IV, broad spectrum antibiotics, Tylenol and packing him in ice – his fever was still hovering around 105. A fever of any kind for a newborn is bad – 105 is often fatal.
I was so shocked I just nodded my head. At that very moment my life changed forever. I hadn’t realized the magnitude of the situation.
There I stood all night. Telling him how much I loved him, how I had fallen in love with him the moment I found out I was pregnant. Asking him, begging him to fight. Telling him that I needed more than 11 days with him. That night as I stood there by his crib alone my life changed forever. Everything I had ever thought I believed was gone.
The next day Andy didn’t make it to the hospital until after lunch. He didn’t know the magnitude of the situation – and when he found out he was afraid. He avoided the subject like the plague. When the pediatrician on call made her rounds that afternoon she confirmed the information I had received the night before and told me his condition had only deteriorated. His heart rate was irregular, his oxygen low, and his fever still dangerously high. They were moving him to the NICU.
My symptoms were getting worse and Zach wasn’t getting better. Andy was trying to juggle Lacey, work and our house. He has many good qualities and I love him dearly, but he just. checked.out. He couldn't handle it, so he checked out.
Those were the darkest days of my whole life.
Long story short, this continued for 6 very long days. His was poked over 30 times for IVs because his veins kept collapsing. They had shaved spots on his head and his arms, hands, wrists, feet and ankles were full of bruises.
After the 6th day, the virus was finally found growing in his spinal fluid cultures, and by talking with the doctors and keeping an eye on my symptoms we were all but 100% positive Zach and I had menengitis..something we probably caught at the hospital when he was born. (You can't test for a virus like that...just bacterial infections) So basically both of the viruses had attacked his (very immature) nervous system.
He has had some nervous system problems and we have been through 2 years of thearapy for his speech and vestibular problems.
Even now, 3 years later, I cannot fully enjoy his birthday. I cry everytime I think of what he had to go through and of how closely I came to losing a child. Its not something you will ever forget - nor is it something you can explain or understand unless it is something you have experienced yourself.
I like to think I am a very strong person, but this...this broke me.
I hope one day I will find peace with the month of September.
1 comment:
Michelle, I had no idea your little boy was so sick. Although, I don't have a girl I can tell you and others have told me too(even mom's with girls) that there is just something about a boy and his mommy! The instant bond and the love you feel is so great for a sweet little boy! I cried as I read your story of those terrible days. I have never been through anything like that so I could never understand. But I was so sad for you and your struggle! So glad that your little boy is here with you today! I will pray for his continued healing!!
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