20/20

It's been a while since I've had a moment to actually post a entry...trust me though..I have quite a few drafts and will be posting many of them soon.

First things first though....

Zachary...oh my dear. This child is a mess. I recently took him to his doctor because he had a huge bump on the top of his forehead that had been there for a good 6-8 weeks. He hits his head quite frequently, but usually the bump will come and go pretty quickly. This one did not and as with anything that involves something odd about one's head, I called to have it checked out.

After a quick look his doctor said that bruises can actually leave scars sometimes (who knew?!) and that it seemed that was all that it was for Zach. He hits his forehead a lot because of his height right now. I told her how he cannot pass a doorknob without running into it. She mentioned that he may not be able to see well and as a little experiment made a little obstacle course for Zach to walk through. He failed miserably. He tripped and stumbled and ran into counters. It was actually quite comical. We both decided it would hurt to have his eyes checked.

I made an appt. at a pediatric ophthalmologist (I will never go there again) and took Zach to have his eyes dilated and checked. The kid's vision is better than 20/20. Apparently he is just a walking catastrophe.

While both of them are growing so quickly before my eyes, right now it is Lacey that seems to be keeping me busy. That child has gotten quite the attitude lately. I'm not sure if my constant urging to stick up for herself has backfired or what. If I didn't know any better I would think she should be starting her period in a week.

On a serious note, you always hear about how your children teach you so much about yourself and I have been finding that to be more evident for me lately. Not only is Lacey developing the kind of attitude I have (had) sometimes, but for the first time in her life I can glance at her and I actually see myself. Not only in a physical aspect...its in her eyes, her mannerisms, the way she talks to Zach sometimes. Its been very humbling for me to see myself that way. 

Either way, I know we will get through this little phase. She's a sweet pea & is just trying to figure out her little niche.

Math

2 sick kids + Dr. Appt = LOTS OF MEDICINE TO GIVE!



This is just stuff that I washed after using TONIGHT. T-O-N-I-G-H-T PEOPLE!!

Good gracious.

Oink, Oink

Last Friday I picked the kids up from daycare and I could tell that something was wrong with Lacey. I automatically assumed it was the evil little trolls, but after we got into the privacy of my car, she told me that she was just very tired and did not feel good. When we got home, I took her temperature and she was running a fever of 102.6.


I gave her some medicine for the fever and she ate some of her dinner. Then…my child…the one I swear has ADHD sometimes…the one that CANNOT sit still…went upstairs to her room, got in her PJs and went to sleep.

It was only 7pm. And she slept a solid 13 hours.

The rest of the weekend she seemed okay. She was still a little tired and didn’t eat like she normally would. She had developed a cough and was sneezing her little head off. But she played…..oh she played and played. Every now and then we would check her and it would feel like she may have a low grade fever but she was never warm enough to warrant a thermometer.

By Monday, she seemed to feel a little worse. I offered multiple times to let her stay home from school, but she didn’t want to and since she didn’t have a fever I didn’t see a reason to keep her home

Tuesday I called the pediatrician because Zach has been having problems with his asthma. Of course, they would not call in more medicine or change it without seeing him. I decided if I was going to take him, I might as well take Lacey to get her checked out.

She has the swine flu plus a touch of pneumonia in one of her lungs. His O2 levels were at 95% (not good). It cost me $80.00 in co-pays just to have them seen. Then I have 5 prescriptions to pick up this afternoon. Insurance needs to be fixed.  Some woman with 5 kids was in there with me...obviously not working and didn't pay a G-D DIME.  I can't catch a break because I WORK.

It is SO frustrating, but I shall save my rant for another day.

Either way, my little girl had the infamous swine flu and never missed a beat. She even was cleared to go back to school after we left the pediatrician. She is at the tail end of the flu, so why not let her if she wants to, right?   She was contagious last week. 

Let us just keep our fingers crossed that Zach does not get it. Not only is he high risk because of his age, but he also has a chronic lung problem. If he gets a bad case, at best, it would be a hospital visit and I do not even want to think about anything worse than that.

Mockery

I’ve mentioned that Zach is pretty rough and tough before. If you know my kids at all you have probably been witness to some of his antics.

Case in point; a member of the same family that has been bulling Lacey is in Zach’s room at daycare. One day last week she tried to push him around. He promptly threw a rock at her head. Problem solved.

Before I go into what my zany child did, I think it would be relevant to explain what Zach has been dealing with for the past few weeks. Every year around this time his asthma really kicks it up a notch and even with medications to help control his breathing he is often kept up at night coughing. The poor kid hasn’t had a good night’s sleep in weeks. It’s something about the night air because he sleeps really well in the morning hours and he takes fabulous naps.

Whilst taking his treasured nap at daycare Friday he was awakened by his on again off again girlfriend H. She had had enough of his silly sleeping and needed him awake so that she would have a 'Daddy' for her babies while she played house. 

So she walked up and yanked his pillow out from under his head. (This cracks me UP!) Of course, this infuriated Zach. He scratched H’s arm, yanked his pillow back and tried to lie back down. H, (rightfully) cried and told the teacher what Zach had done to her. Ms. B walked over to him, fussed at him and attempted to make both of the children sit in time out. In order to do this she would have to take Zach’s pillow away.  This didn't go over well and he ended up pitching a royal fit and scratching Ms. B also.

And then I was called.

So Friday when I picked up the kids I had to sign two things: 

1.  Zach's write up 
2.  A document for Lacey...because she continues to be bullied.

Oh at the irony. I have one that is antagonistic and one that is excruciatingly passive.

Even though I am making light of the situation please know that I do not find it funny when it happens. In our home it is not, nor has it ever been okay for him to be so disrespectful to his teacher, nor is it acceptable to have scratched H, no matter what she did. We are trying to teach Zach not to EVER physically attack a girl. EVER. Being disrespectful or hitting an adult is not EVER acceptable either. Making light of some of the things that go on is just my way to keep from going batty.

Losing my religion...

Every year around this time I get an overwhelming sense of guilt. I'm reminded of the chain of events that began my journey away from a belief I grew up with.  To turn your back on something that you were taught to believe all of your life is difficult.  

Everything about it was and is still so very sad.

Zach was born on Sept. 18, 2006. He was the boy I had always wanted. Big, fat and healthy as can be. A quiet little guy who loved to snuggle with me and sleep. The bond I had with him was instant. While I love Lacey dearly, there was an immediate special bond different from the one I had with Lacey.


Zachary and I left the hospital on Sept. 21, both very happy (heavy!) and healthy. In less than a week we both had contracted viral meningitis & a very common cold virus.
 
Of course we didn’t know that was what we had. I just felt a little crappy, like I was catching a little cold, I had mastitis and was less than two weeks out of a c-section that had a few complications. I was also adjusting to having TWO kids and Andy had just gone back to work. I was still nursing despite the mastitis and like any other newborn & new mom; we were still trying to work out the kinks.


I remember the morning very clearly.  I actually still beat myself up about how I handled it.  I was exhausted. It was 2 am and Zach was crying and wouldn’t stop. Andy couldn’t help because…. well I had the goods. Zach acted like he was hungry and I knew he should be, but for some reason he would not eat. He would try, but give up so quickly which was unlike him. His crying wasn’t a LOUD, MAD cry; it was almost between a constant whimper and a whine. I should have known then.  Finally, after hours of doing everything I knew to do I just laid him down in his bassinet and gave up. I dozed on and off between his cries and would pat his little bottom almost constantly trying to soothe him.  I should have held him close and kept trying....


The rest of the day becomes a blur. I remember waking up around 8 with Lacey and he was sound asleep. I tried to wake him up for another attempt at nursing since it had been a very long time for him to have gone without eating, but I couldn’t get him to wake up and stay awake long enough. I called our pediatrician and they confirmed my thoughts – he’s just as tired as me, plus he is a sleeper anyways. They told me he would be fine but to call them if he didn’t get better by early afternoon.  I should have known.


Fast forward to noon and he still was sleeping and not waking up for more than just a minute or so and now he has a low grade fever. I called the pediatrician back and was on my way to their office in minutes.


By the time I made it into the office (maybe 40 minutes) we couldn’t wake him up and his fever had shot up to 102 – which is bad news for a newborn. We were offered an ambulance ride to CHOA, but I would have to leave Lacey with someone as she would not be allowed in the ambulance. EVERYONE I knew was either busy or out of town. My parents were in Mexico of all places. My sister getting ready for her best friend’s wedding, grandparents were out of town…it was a mess. I opted (with the permission of our Dr.) to go directly to the hospital in my car. He was very clear that I was not to go home, get gas, stop for food, nothing. That is when I thought I knew how serious this was.


Andy met me at the hospital and his mom wasn’t far behind him. I was told Zach’s condition was life-threatening and he would be admitted for a minimum of 3 days. We had X-rays, spinal taps, urine culture, blood cultures, blood work and an IV within 45 minutes of our arrival.


I was beginning to feel really bad and run a fever. When we finally got settled in a room it was past 11:00 pm and I told Andy he could just go home with Lacey and I would be okay. Reluctantly he and his mom left.


I stood by his hospital crib for hours. He was still un-responsive and other than the IV had received no nourishment for 24 hours. I distinctly remembered asking one of his nurses if it would be alright if I lay down in the chair next to his crib. My fever was hitting 102 and I was having a hard time standing next to him. (I still had the staples in my stomach from the C-section) Zach obviously wasn’t going to wake up right now and he seemed, to me, to be stable and I wasn’t expecting a change, good or bad, anytime soon. What she told me still haunts me today.

“Honey, if I were you I would stand right there. You stay by your boy’s side and you tell him how much you love him. You tell him to fight. You tell him how much you need him. You tell him not to leave you yet. He needs to know you are beside him because he is going to have to fight hard.”

I will never forget those words. I will never forget her tone when she said those words. It was a cross between sympathy and strength. Like she really felt sorry for me but didn't want for me to know it.


No one had made it sound that serious. What had I missed? So I asked her if he would make it through the night. Apparently the attending Dr. in the ER didn’t tell us everything. They weren’t sure if he would make it another 24 hours. They still had no idea what was making him so sick and even with his IV, broad spectrum antibiotics, Tylenol and packing him in ice – his fever was still hovering around 105. A fever of any kind for a newborn is bad – 105 is often fatal.


I was so shocked I just nodded my head. At that very moment my life changed forever. I hadn’t realized the magnitude of the situation. 


There I stood all night. Telling him how much I loved him,  how I had fallen in love with him the moment I found out I was pregnant. Asking him, begging him to fight.  Telling him that I needed more than 11 days with him.  That night as I stood there by his crib alone my life changed forever.  Everything I had ever thought I believed was gone.   


The next day Andy didn’t make it to the hospital until after lunch. He didn’t know the magnitude of the situation – and when he found out he was afraid. He avoided the subject like the plague. When the pediatrician on call made her rounds that afternoon she confirmed the information I had received the night before and told me his condition had only deteriorated. His heart rate was irregular, his oxygen low, and his fever still dangerously high. They were moving him to the NICU.


My symptoms were getting worse and Zach wasn’t getting better. Andy was trying to juggle Lacey, work and our house. He has many good qualities and I love him dearly, but he just. checked.out. He couldn't handle it, so he checked out.

Those were the darkest days of my whole life.


Long story short, this continued for 6 very long days. His was poked over 30 times for IVs because his veins kept collapsing. They had shaved spots on his head and his arms, hands, wrists, feet and ankles were full of bruises.


After the 6th day, the virus was finally found growing in his spinal fluid cultures, and by talking with the doctors and keeping an eye on my symptoms we were all but 100% positive Zach and I had menengitis..something we probably caught at the hospital when he was born. (You can't test for a virus like that...just bacterial infections)  So basically both of the viruses had attacked his (very immature) nervous system. 

He has had some nervous system problems and we have been through 2 years of thearapy for his speech and vestibular problems.



Even now, 3 years later, I cannot fully enjoy his birthday. I cry everytime I think of what he had to go through and of how closely I came to losing a child. Its not something you will ever forget - nor is it something you can explain or understand unless it is something you have experienced yourself.

I like to think I am a very strong person, but this...this broke me. 

I hope one day I will find peace with the month of September.

Updates

Updates coming SOON.

So much going on. I had back surgery, Lacey started Kindergarten, I started a new semester, Andy and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary & Zach is (FINALLY) potty trained.

For now, how about some pictures?


Lacey's first day of Kindergarten.


Zach


Cousins


Me and my Zach


Lacey & I

My Work Here is Done

I got a call from the daycare a few days ago. Zach has a new teacher & he is testing her. Imagine that.

Teacher: Mrs. Stephens, he has had a difficult day. He won't take a nap and I feel so badly for him. I keep trying to help him and-

Me: Don't "help" him. Put him in the corner, he is testing you.

Teacher: Well I guess that would explain why he told me to shut the hell up.

Me: Probably. Sigh.



Of course apologizes for my 2 year old delinquent's behavior came quickly. I can't imagine where he would hear such a phrase....

Accomplishments

Lacey completed PreK last week. Honestly, I thought PreK was a joke. Not really because of the teachers or the school Lacey was in, they are GREAT, just because of the guidelines the state makes the teachers go by.

We decided not to test her out of Kindergarten so she could go straight to the first grade. We'll just keep her in any advanced programs we can and if she is still excelling in school by the 4th or 5th grade we will address it then. We just thought Kindergarten would give her some of the necessary skills that aren't academic. We want her to be a kid more than anything. School is important, but it is not the end all be all of life.




Zach no longer has a speech therapist, physical therapist or behavior specialist seeing him. :) He is doing SO much better!! I have requested his speech therapist stay with us until he ages out of the program at 3 years old (in September) She isn't helping with speech anymore (we'll get to that in a minute)she is helping with his sensory issues and social skills. He is the typical smart kid with no people skills. On top of that he is just kind of weird about his space and what touches him. So she is working on that with him while he is at daycare and with other children his age.

This is a HUGE accomplishment for him!

His speech is comparable to a 5 year old now. WOW! Speech therapy is obviously no longer needed. His vestibular abilities are much more advanced. He can jump, play and go down slides now! One year ago I had a little boy who would not speak, would bite himself & bang his head against the wall, wouldn't jump, didn't like slides, didn't trust anyone, couldn't stand to have his routine altered ect, ect. It was so awful and I felt so helpless. Now I have a pretty normal little boy. If anyone needs some developmental help with their child I cannot say enough about this program and the people I have worked with.

Updates

My sister in law has Stage 1B cancer. 98-99% survival. Great news for her! She has surgery on the 27th to remove what is left of it on her skin & to have lymph nodes removed/biopsied.

I had a couple of spots biopsied last week. They all came back cancer free - Yipee! Andy had to go and get checked out Wednesday. Melanoma tends to run in families, plus Andy has light hair, eyes and skin. He is high risk now. They took a couple of spots off of his back, but said it was nothing to worry about. We are still waiting on the results of his biopsy. I'm sure it will be fine.

I'm signing up for more classes on Monday. Hopefully I can get my financial aid together. A University is MUCH more expensive than a tech school. My classes are almost $175/credit hr and most classes are 3 credit hrs. That will get expensive quick.

Lacey & Zachary are doing well. Both have been pretty healthy this Spring (I think that is the first time in SIX YEARS that I haven't had to miss tons of work) Keeping my fingers crossed that their good health continues.

I somehow deleted almost ALL of my posts/pictures. I have no back up so I will try to at least add the pictures back. I'm not even sure I can remember what was in the posts.

The Sweetest Thing

Okay...well not really. But at least they are fun!!

Cuteness

Notice my son...trying to keep up with her. LOL

If I only had a nickel for every time they do this cheer at home her cheerleading dues would be more than paid for. (and that is not counting the amount of times I hear it at the games)

Paul Harvey

Words for my children by Paul Harvey:

I hope you learn humility by being humiliated and that you learn honesty by
being cheated.

I hope you learn to make your own bed, mow the lawn
and wash the car.

And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new
car when you are sixteen.

It will be good if at least one time you
can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.

I hope you get
a black eye for fighting for something you believe in.

I hope you
have to share a bedroom with each other at some point. And it's all right
if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room, but when one of
you wants to crawl under the covers with with the other because
you are afraid, I hope you let him.

If you want a slingshot, I
hope your Daddy teaches you how to make one instead of buying
one.

I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read
books.

When you learn to use computers I hope you also learn to add
and subtract in your head.

I hope you get teased by your friends
when you have your first crush on a boy/girl.

I don't care if you
try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it.

I sure hope
you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma and go fishing with your
Grandpa.

May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the
holidays.

These things I wish for you - tough times and
disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to
appreciate life. Written with a pen; sealed with a kiss. I'm here
for you.