How do you say goodbye?

How do you say goodbye to the person who fathered your children? To the man that held them close when they cried, changed their tiny diapers & rocked them to sleep at night. To the man that was with you to enjoy so many of their little 'firsts' from first smiles, to first steps, to first days at school. The man that has been by your side through ups and downs for close to a decade. The man that has always loved you unconditionally & with all of his heart….and maybe you never, ever reciprocated the feelings. I thought I did, but I was very young. I was young with a baby & hardly any family support. He was the person who took care of me and Lacey during that time.
I'm not in love. I haven't been for some time. Actually, I'm not sure I ever really was. I love him; he is such a good person & a wonderful father. But he and I – we just aren't a good match. We never have been. We are a decade apart in age; he grew up in a broken home with no rules or boundaries & no father. Making it to 12^th grade was a great accomplishment where he comes from. He was never taught to push, to always strive to do better. He was never taught how to love someone, how to have a partner. His love for the children comes so naturally, but to love me the way I should be? He either can't do it or he doesn't want to. And I am out of ways to ask. For a while I was angry with myself….hes a great guy, one of those guys that everyone loves. I've never met a person who didn't like him. It was part of his charm when we first met.
After spending years on hoping he would change and believing his promises, I'm just done. I've been done…I'd say for at least 6 months – maybe more. I've just kept holding on, hoping I could find a way to love him back…..hoping he could find a way to give me what I need & that would make me love him. Even though it seems like he is trying to do some of the things I have asked of him recently….its just no there for me anymore.
Maybe its because I resent him. Maybe it's because I never loved him that way & never will. Maybe it's just because we are so different. I really don't know. The only thing I know for sure is that something needs to be done. We are both unhappy. It is not fair to either of us.
Change is just so scary. Change is an upheaval of my children's lives. Moving, money issues, lawyers, parental rights, child support, visitation weekends…..I just don't want to deal with it.
But I know it's the right thing for both of us. And I know if it were up to him he would just allow this to continue forever.
I know when I tell him that this 'separation' is permanent, which I know he knows deep down that its coming, he is going to be devastated. I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to hurt my children.
So that is the bottom line. Hurt him & the kids for my happiness or continue unhappy in order to keep my family together?
It sucks.   


Then I have these awful, selfish feelings. I can't help but remember who I used to be. A young, vibrant, beautiful girl. Now I'm a mother of not one, but two small children. Parts that used to sit up high don't anymore without help. I have stretch marks and c-section scars. Maybe I can still turn a head or two, but who is going to want me with all of this baggage and these imperfections?! Who could possibly want me & know that these 2 beautiful children will always come first….and they won't even belong to him. Do I want to die alone? Sure I don't mind being alone…I actually thrive on it most of the time. But I am sure a day is going to come that I want to retire and spend time with someone I have shared a life with. Someone who will sit with me and laugh over the memories, good times & bad times we've shared over the years.

So where do we go from here?