How do you say goodbye?

How do you say goodbye to the person who fathered your children? To the man that held them close when they cried, changed their tiny diapers & rocked them to sleep at night. To the man that was with you to enjoy so many of their little 'firsts' from first smiles, to first steps, to first days at school. The man that has been by your side through ups and downs for close to a decade. The man that has always loved you unconditionally & with all of his heart….and maybe you never, ever reciprocated the feelings. I thought I did, but I was very young. I was young with a baby & hardly any family support. He was the person who took care of me and Lacey during that time.
I'm not in love. I haven't been for some time. Actually, I'm not sure I ever really was. I love him; he is such a good person & a wonderful father. But he and I – we just aren't a good match. We never have been. We are a decade apart in age; he grew up in a broken home with no rules or boundaries & no father. Making it to 12^th grade was a great accomplishment where he comes from. He was never taught to push, to always strive to do better. He was never taught how to love someone, how to have a partner. His love for the children comes so naturally, but to love me the way I should be? He either can't do it or he doesn't want to. And I am out of ways to ask. For a while I was angry with myself….hes a great guy, one of those guys that everyone loves. I've never met a person who didn't like him. It was part of his charm when we first met.
After spending years on hoping he would change and believing his promises, I'm just done. I've been done…I'd say for at least 6 months – maybe more. I've just kept holding on, hoping I could find a way to love him back…..hoping he could find a way to give me what I need & that would make me love him. Even though it seems like he is trying to do some of the things I have asked of him recently….its just no there for me anymore.
Maybe its because I resent him. Maybe it's because I never loved him that way & never will. Maybe it's just because we are so different. I really don't know. The only thing I know for sure is that something needs to be done. We are both unhappy. It is not fair to either of us.
Change is just so scary. Change is an upheaval of my children's lives. Moving, money issues, lawyers, parental rights, child support, visitation weekends…..I just don't want to deal with it.
But I know it's the right thing for both of us. And I know if it were up to him he would just allow this to continue forever.
I know when I tell him that this 'separation' is permanent, which I know he knows deep down that its coming, he is going to be devastated. I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to hurt my children.
So that is the bottom line. Hurt him & the kids for my happiness or continue unhappy in order to keep my family together?
It sucks.   


Then I have these awful, selfish feelings. I can't help but remember who I used to be. A young, vibrant, beautiful girl. Now I'm a mother of not one, but two small children. Parts that used to sit up high don't anymore without help. I have stretch marks and c-section scars. Maybe I can still turn a head or two, but who is going to want me with all of this baggage and these imperfections?! Who could possibly want me & know that these 2 beautiful children will always come first….and they won't even belong to him. Do I want to die alone? Sure I don't mind being alone…I actually thrive on it most of the time. But I am sure a day is going to come that I want to retire and spend time with someone I have shared a life with. Someone who will sit with me and laugh over the memories, good times & bad times we've shared over the years.

So where do we go from here?

I should be working on my Islam paper....

♥ What are your middle names?
Andy and Rachel (Sullivan)

♥How long have you been together?
We've been married for a little over 5 years, but together (on and off sometimes) for almost 7.

♥ How long did you know each other before you started dating?
We had known of each other for a couple of years as he was a regular at the bars I worked at, but we had just started talking and hanging out a few weeks before our first date.

♥ Who asked who out?
He asked me out.

♥ Who made the first move?
Andy - he was not a BIT shy. Defiantly a plus to marrying an older man.

♥ How old are each of you?
Andy - 36 Me - 27

♥ Did you go to the same school?
Nope, not even close. He grew up in Bowdon and I grew up in Powder Springs.

♥ Are you from the same home town?
No

♥ Who is the smartest?
It depends on what the subject is. We both have our strengths. He is REALLY good at math and I'm more of a critical thinking person.

♥ Who majored in what?
He majored in girls and beer (and eventually dropped out), I'm still going to school

♥ Who is the most sensitive?
Neither of us are really that sensitive, but if I had to choose, would have to say it's me.

♥ Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Usually a Mexican restaurant (the kids LOVE chips and dip) or a steakhouse (Andy and I love a good steak!)

♥ Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
Florida - sad I know. He isn't much of a traveler.

♥ Who has the worst temper?
Mine flares up more often(I have been known to throw a remote as his head from time to time)He rarely loses his but when he does - you better watch out. Usually he will go downstairs or outside.

♥ How many children do you want?
When we first talked about having kids he wanted ZERO and I wanted 4. Now that we have our 2 (a boy and a girl no less) we think we might be done. Sometimes I wish for another, but if I had another now there would be such an age gap between it and Zach and Lacey that I would want to have another TWO..so they would be close in age....yeah....this is still up for debate. :)

♥ Who does the cooking?
We really don't cook a lot. We eat a lot of sandwiches and cereal. If and when someone cooks, its usually something Italian and its me. He can't even cook eggs.

♥ Who is more social?
He is very social and doesn't know a stranger. I'm not a big people person.

♥ Who is the neat-freak?
Neither of us, but I'm usually the one that cleans up.

♥ Who is the most stubborn?
ME! He is so easy going...it drives me nuts sometimes! For example, we'll have a disagreement and he will throw in the towel almost immediately sometimes...and I will follow him around the house trying to get him to argue back.

♥ Who wakes up earlier?
Andy. He always wakes up earlier than me. He also will fall asleep sitting up if he isn't in bed by 10:30-11:00. I will stay up until 1 or 2 am.

♥ Where was your first date?
Provinos in Douglasville.

♥ Who has the bigger family?
Me. He has a mom, sister and aunt. He does have a father, but we haven't seen him in well over a year (he only lives 35 min. away...sad I know). I am very close with all of my family. I have more cousins that I can count spread over a few states!!

♥ Do you get flowers often?
No. I don't like getting them too often because 1. they are predictable and 2. they die.

♥ How do you spend the holidays?
Usually with both of our families. His family has always had a Thanksgiving lunch and opened presents on Christmas Eve. My family has always done Thanksgiving dinner and opened presents on Christmas day. Since his family is in Carrollton and mine is in Powder Springs it works out really well!!

♥ Who is more jealous?
Neither of us. Actually, its sometimes a little annoying for me. I wish he would get just a little jealous sometimes.

♥ How long did it take to get serious?
A LONG TIME. We broke up, then I found out I was pregnant. We didn't really get back together but we weren't seeing anyone else. I moved in with him (in one of the spare bedrooms) and we lived that way from May 2003 to June 2004. July 4th he asked me to marry him and we were married on August 22nd.

♥ Who eats more?
OMG. HIM!! He eats everything in the HOUSE. He will come home from work and eat two sandwiches, two bowls of cereal and a bag of chips. And of course, doesn't gain a pound.

♥ What do you do for a living?
He's a foreman in the construction industry. He and his crew basically drill holes in the ground for gas lines to go in. I am sure if you ask him its MUCH more complicated, but I usually get lost after he tells me about the hole he drilled. In his defense, he works up to 75-80 hours a week sometimes, so it must be a little complicated.

I am an account executive for a packaging company in Atlanta and a part time student at UWG. And a mommy.

♥ Who does the laundry?
I sort it, wash it and dry it during the week. He puts it all up on the weekends.

♥ Who’s better with the computer?
Me, me me. I just taught him how to send an email about 6 months ago. LOL.

♥ Who drives when you are together?
We trade off. It depends on who might have had something to drink or which car we are in.

♥ What is "your" song?
We don't really have one. We've never really been into stuff like that.